Death

I want to talk about an issue tonight which I have been forcibly trying to push at the back of my mind ever since I created this blog. Call it soul-bearing if you will, but it is impossible that any human being wouldn't have thought of it.
Death it is, in case you are wondering what exactly I have in my mind. We all have our little brushes with it. Some, like me, have died quite a few times before the heart actually stops pumping. Clinical death, if compared to the one I am talking about, would at those precise moments come as a relief!
However, I am going to concern myself with death as it is. Shorn of all adjectives, adverbs, introductions, epilogues and monologues. To me death is just that. Period.
It has always fascinated me, ever since I was a child, to think about death. What happens at the very moment when we realise we are dying? What thoughts cross our mind? Or is it just what I think it is, no thoughts... no conjectures, just a plain and simple struggle for the next breath? I have done a fair bit of research on death. But nearly all the answers have been metaphorical when all I need is a very objective one. Part of the problem, I guess, is the fact that there isn't anyone to talk about it.
Whatever I am doing right now, quarrelling, abusing, living, loving, fighting, writing another pointless blog, I am aware of my presence. It is My hand that touches the keyboard, My brain that dictates me what to write, My eyes that see what has been written. What happens to ME??? Who is this I am talking about? I become so utterly confused.
How would I react when it would dawn on me that I am dying...? When I think very hardly about it, I shudder. A cold, cold wave goes down my spine. I struggle to breathe. And I stop thinking about it...
Death has never left me. It has been bugging me like those insurance agents all through my life. I can't go away from it. I can't run from it. Even during the most crucial moments, death has been just around the corner, smiling that toothless smile. Reminding me that the interview that I just cleared, the girl that I just married, the woman that I am eyeing at the metro, the new pair of shoes that I am longing for, the gala dinner that has been laid out for me, is nothing more than a mere passing phase. Come to me, it says with arms wide outstretched... I take to my heels...